The past few years I have spent a lot of time (no, really, A LOT) looking at churches. Working in ministry, there is time spent looking for jobs, searching for partner ministries, checking on comparable programs, and even a little curiosity to see exactly what that Methodist church across the road is up to.
The one thing that every church really loves promoting is their "family ministry". The problem is, I don't think over the hundred, maybe even thousands of churches I have looked into I have seen one true example of family ministry.
Alright, before you never read this blog again, let me explain. You see lots of churches do things for the family. They have some form of children's ministry, at the very least you see a nursery program. They probably have a cool youth group that maybe even has its own room. There is a parent support group or parent training's throughout the year. Then there is Sunday school, Wednesday night programs, and family picnics.
Now that list seems nice, and I can admit that these programs are good. They are very beneficial and are important to reach out, train, and uplift children and families. But the point is that none of this is family ministry. Family ministry occurs when the family, as a unit, is learning, praying, and growing together.
One time during a phone interview I remember asking the question "what does the church do for families"? They were very happy to list the many different programs including their crown jewel of Wednesday night or "family night". The only problem once, in all of the church there was not one single thing that was solely for families to do together. You can't call it family night if the family spends no time together. Would you call it "family night" at your house if everybody stayed in their own room and didn't talk to each other?
A family goes through life together. They struggle and succeed side by side. The church is becoming an crucial resource for families. This makes it all the more important to do our best to support and grow families in the church. So how can we ensure we are doing all we can?
1. Keep the family in the service.
Yes, younger children can go to the nursery, but anybody who complains about a child moving or making noise during a service REALLY needs to read Matthew 19. Elementary aged students need to be in the service so they can fully understand what being a church member means. There is a lot to be learned simply by being in a service. They get to witness worships, prayer, communion, tithing, and how to respond to teaching. Instead what happens is that children are told to sit at the "kids table" and go to children's church to be babysat during the service. Then when they are teenagers and are supposed to participate in the service they feel awkward and uncomfortable, so they do everything they can to get out it. They will sit up front with all their friends play on their phones the whole time stay up till 3 AM the night before so they don't have to go. Keeping young children out of the service ensures they will not attend the service when they grow up. Removing our kids from service contributes to removing them from church all together.
2. Family night must have some time dedicated to the entire family
Wednesday night program are great. They often provide a great community outreach and can be very uplifting for busy families. However, there must be a portion of the time that involves the entire family. Have a meal before hand. Start out with everyone together and spend some family worship time before everyone goes to their own group. Have a community time at the end where the entire family gets together to eat cookies (and that unidentifiable red drink, punch maybe?) and talk about what they learned. Want to get even crazier (well why not)? How about having a home work time. What about having groceries or freezer meals ready for families to take home. Maybe even a family fitness event. Provide service opportunities the whole family can do together.
3. Inter-generational ministry
There are some incredible things that can happen when an entire family is dedicated to the same goal. Grand parents helping parents, parents helping children, teenagers helping preschoolers. When everybody is contained and there is no interaction between the generations so much wisdom is lost. This is why the whole family must have ministry time together. Those who have learned the lesson or have gone through the trial are able to uplift and encourage those who need it. It also creates a duality of responsibility and dependability. The older generation feels a responsibility to help those younger than them and the younger generation can count on someone in the church to help them. When those younger people grow up, they will help others just like they were helped (P.S. this also keep our young people in the church).
4. Everybody helps
Service and responsibility in the church keeps people there. There are always service opportunities sure, but how many service opportunities are your children invited to? How many missions trips does the entire family go on? Children and teenagers especially need to know they are wanted and needed in the church. So, if we are creating opportunities in the church for the entire family to spend time together (point 2) then have families be responsible for running those nights. If you have a homework night, children will come, if you have a family in the church running homework night, then families will come together.
5. Dealing with judgement
The family is facing some seriously tough times. One issue that the church can demolish is mom-shaming (what Dad's don't get any shaming?). A simple picture on facebook or any other media can for some reason invite a litany of unhelpful-helpful comments regarding parenting. The church needs to be seen as a safe and encouraging place for all families. We all struggle. We all go through difficult times (this also applies to church staff and their families). The church needs to be a judgement AND GOSSIP free zone. When we as the church passionately desire to love and grow families as Christ did, we will accomplish so much more than any Wednesday night program ever has.
Most importantly the church must encourage the family to grow at home. No matter how good a church's program is it can not compare to the influence and teaching that happens in the home. Parents must demonstrate a Godly lifestyle. Children need to be taught the Bible and why their parents behave the way they do. Many families (especially millennials) are looking to the church to help them with raising spirit filled children. The youth that turned away from the church is getting marries, settling down, and having children. Now that there is a responsibility they are looking for spiritual guidance. Our church needs to meet these families where they are at and provide them with tools and resources to practice faith in their home.
No one thing is perfect. There isn't any all inclusive church program that solves all the families problems. We must continue to rely on God's grace and love in all things.
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